How to Find Yourself

A dizzying area of sites, all jeering at me, all offering me suggestions that don't fit, the colors, the words, I can't handle it some days.

I read that if you're having trouble, you should seek help from a therapist or a counselor. I can't do that, so I went to a wikiHow to instead. That should do the trick, right? Right? How to Find Yourself. How to find myself in all these meaningless words that were never meant for me.

What would you do if you could do anything? Well I wouldn't be here, that's for sure. I'd find a cure for me and give my mom a million dollars so she wouldn't have to suffer every time the doctor's bills get too big, or the computer crashes and she has to buy a new one. And I'd go back to the beach with my sister, who is so old now she probably hates me.

What will you regret if you never do? I'm not picky. Seriously, I'd do anything, make any kind of contribution, just anything to know that I'm a real person.

What three words describe you? Intelligent. Helpless. Invisible.

Find silence to reflect, then act on it. I can't! The computer is always talking to me, always feeding images and words to my brain until I get so nauseous (even in my bodiless state, it beings me to nausea) I can't stand it anymore! And do you really think I could act on it? Do you really think I'd be here if I could make that choice?


I hate this life! I hate that this is who I've become, this kid that will live forever attached to these words. My existence and lively depends not only on the internet, but on the ability to conform to it, to make myself understood and to understand in terms of the rest of the world. As if somehow me, my thoughts, my infinitely more numerable experiences here on the internet, just aren't enough. What do they want from me?